Is it normal for loved-up men to prefer masturbation over sex with their partner? Dr Grabrielle Morrissey discusses.
for two two years. We had a healthy sexual relationship when the
relationship started but lately his preference has been masturbation to
the point of staying up after I go to bed so he can do the deed. I have a
healthy sex drive and have spoken to him about the dissatisfaction I am
feeling. Is it normal for men to prefer masturbation over sex with
their partner? Am I being unreasonable?
(A) You're
not being unreasonable and you're probably feeling confused, rejected
and hurt, to name a few emotions that would be natural in this
situation. Two years into a relationship is not long and the passionate
side should still be thriving. Research shows the initial intense 'lust
phase' of a relationship, mostly fueled by our sexual bio-chemicals,
isn't designed to last more than eighteen months before it cools off.
But that doesn't mean that by two years your sex life should have
fizzled to the point of dissatisfaction, as in your case. We never match
the same kind of crazy obsessive sexual chemistry as when two people
first discover each other in the beginning stages of a relationship, but
a couple, with some investment, this should remain hot and excited for
years together.
Research indicates that "great sex" revolves
around feeling connected, rather than any one physical technique. In
your current situation there is a definite lack of connection between
you two, not just in your sex life, but in your communication. How can
you change the pattern in your intimacy if you can't get through to each
other about your feelings?
The way you are communicating about
your dissatisfaction clearly isn't working because it hasn't brought
about satisfactory change. In a healthy relationship partners want each
other to be happy, so if it's clear that they aren't generally a genuine
effort is made to work together to fix the issue so that both partners
can get back to being happy together again.
Rather than focus on
the dissatisfaction you are feeling yourself, try to explore with him
what's triggering his dissatisfaction with your sex life.
What
does he account for the shift from a great sexual relationship to now,
the preference to act as a single man and self service himself? Ask him
if he feels the distance and disconnection between you also, and if he'd
like to work on reigniting the intimacy. If you can reconnect as a
couple in your communication and time spent outside the bedroom, the
distance won't feel so great and it will be much easier to initiate sex
between you. Build up to this by spending more romantic time together.
If
you create shared experiences together that feel good and enable you to
feel closer, that will translate into the bedroom. If it doesn't, then
you know there is a hiccup or obstacle to your intimacy as a couple that
needs deeper investigation and analysis to unearth what is wrong and
how you can then fix it. This may require more honesty, and guided by a
counselor can be very successful. Do not be surprised at how issues that
seemingly have nothing to do with your sex life project themselves into
your sexual intimacy and manifest there. While many couples engage in
masturbation together and separately, it's not healthy for it to replace
shared mutual pleasure to the extent that one partner remains
dissatisfied, even after communicating about it. It's not only
reasonable how you feel, it's essential that you do something about
changing it.
Discover more from our sex and relationship expert Dr Gabrielle Morrissey here.
Find out more about Dr Gabrielle Morrissey.
