11 Things That Instantly Make A Man Hot
"What is the first thing you notice in a man?"
I
thought about it for a moment. Did I notice eyes? Hair? Smile?
Shoulders? None of these answers seemed to fit. When I was younger, I
tended to like men who were tall, thin, and dark-haired. But now, at 52,
I don't really have a "type." At least, not a physical type. I
gravitate towards men with a palpable sexiness. But just what, I asked
myself, makes a man so sexy you can feel it emanating from him when he
walks in the room?
I let my mind wander over images of men
throughout my life who have made my breath catch, and my skin tingle,
just by being in their presence. Sometimes I remembered how a t-shirt
clung to one man's shoulders, or how another held my gaze unabashedly
over a glass of wine. But mostly I reflected on the intangibles --
qualities, values, character traits -- a man must possess so that I want
to send plates flying as I crawl across the dinner table and lower
myself onto his lap.
These are 11 things I came up with:
1. Strength
-- I don't mean how much a man can bench press, although a nice set of
pecs doesn't hurt. I'm talking about internal-fortitude strength.
Firmly-planted, I-know-who-I-am strength. There is nothing sexier than a
man who's grounded, who's in command of the impulses and anger that may
have derailed him when he was younger, whose quiet confidence
telegraphs, without a hint of arrogance, that he has nothing to prove.
2. Vulnerability
-- A man isn't strong unless he is also vulnerable. This means he can
tell you what he wants, when he's afraid, how you make him feel, what he
did that he's made amends for, what he's overcome, what brings him to
his knees. Without transparency, there can be no genuine intimacy, that
ingredient that makes sex remain sexy when the initial high of
infatuation dissipates.
3. Integrity -- This
ingredient separates the boys from the men. While they may dazzle in the
beginning, womanizers, scoundrels, and narcissists use lies, cheap
tricks, and smoke and mirrors for personal gain. There is nothing sexy
about a man who pretends to be something he's not, who lacks any depth
of feeling, and who doesn't care how much blood he leaves on the tracks.
If you gave me a choice between bedding Don Draper and Atticus Finch,
I'd choose that soft-spoken lawyer any day.
4. Intellect
-- A beautiful mind is sexy. IQ points are great, but that's just a
piece of smart. Critical thinking, an unquenchable thirst for learning,
and a gift for distinctive self-expression create, for me, a kind of
male siren's song. I don't care how gorgeous a man is; if he can't
entice me with his mind, the sexual chemistry won't be there.
5. Sense of humor
-- A man who lacks a sense of humor is like a cold shower on legs. It's
impossible for me to connect with someone who's ultra-literal,
hyper-serious, and rarely laughs. For me, intellect and humor are
inseparable bedfellows. Smart people read nuances and see the humor in
situations. And the
brand of humor is critical. Even if a guy is hot, if his version of funny doesn't sync with mine, the sexy won't stay sexy for long.
6. Warmth
-- It's exhausting trying to connect with someone behind walls.
Compassion, empathy, a ready smile, an easy laugh -- these traits and
actions are disarming in the best sense of the word. Kind is sexy. It
just is.
7. Generosity -- Stinginess is a
turn-off. Not only stingy with money, but also stingy with feelings.
While squandering one's money and emotions indicate a lack of control or
self-worth, counting pennies and withholding genuine contact suggest a
preference for things over people. I've also found that stingy men
aren't as good lovers as their more generous counterparts. It's not sexy
to sleep with someone who holds back physically or emotionally in bed.
8. Affectionate
-- Affection is warmth in action. A soft kiss on the back of my neck as
he walks by. A palm reaching through the hole in my jeans to squeeze my
knee. Laying his head on my chest because it's one of his favorite
places to be. A man who loves touch for the sake of touch, whether or
not it leads to sex, is sexy.
9. Mindfulness --
Not that long ago, I was attracted to men so ambitious that they
appeared to be driven by motors. What I've learned is that that kind of
"ambition" often masks insecurity, avarice, and aggression, qualities
which are not remotely appealing. Mindfulness -- the ability to be aware
and present in the moment, even if that moment is painful -- is the
ultimate form of ambition because it requires a commitment to personal
growth that is not for the faint of heart. A man who radiates quiet
confidence, who is able to remain calm and centered in the face of
challenges, makes me weak in the knees.
10. Partnership --
The only place I want to be dominated is in the bedroom, and
that still requires my consent. In all other contexts I want a man who
doesn't try to dominate me, who understands the need for compromise,
reciprocity, communication, and respect. I have no time or patience for
men who play games and control women in order to feel like men.
11. Sexual confidence
-- True sexual confidence has nothing to do with penis size, smooth
moves, and bedpost notches. It's an ambience distilled from quiet
authority, an ability to read my body and my breath, a sensual lingering
in the moment that may or may not involve gazing in my eyes, but always
requires a desire to be vulnerable and present. A sexually charged man
who is in command of his urges and firmly situated in his sexual
expression will turn me into a
breathless, perpetually aroused Alpha Submissive in no time flat.
Many
of these 11 things didn't appear on the checklist I had when I was in
my 20s. Back then I was seduced by slick businessmen with snazzy cars
who traveled in packs. There's nothing wrong with someone who fits that
description -- but razzle-dazzle wears thin quickly without substance to
back it up. One benefit to being 52 is that I've finally learned what
to look for in a man.
