Friday, 31 May 2013
Monday, 27 May 2013
Recreational Use of Viagra By Healthy Young Men | FitnessRX for Men
Recreational Use of Viagra By Healthy Young Men | FitnessRX for Men
Viagra gave aging Romeos a sexual second wind, but the erection-promoting medication is the recreational drug of choice for many young party animals. Just like some wannabe athletes use steroids so they don’t have to work so hard in the gym, many young studly bearcats use Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra as sexual crutches.
Argentinian researchers found that 21 percent of young men used Viagra recreationally, and 51 percent of those men combined it with alcohol. Most got the drug without a prescription from friends, or on the Internet. Many young men use erection-promoting drugs to compensate for performance anxiety and to increase sexual capacity. If casual sex were an Olympic sport, drugs like Viagra would be on the banned list. (Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7: 3736-3742, 2010)
Argentinian researchers found that 21 percent of young men used Viagra recreationally, and 51 percent of those men combined it with alcohol. Most got the drug without a prescription from friends, or on the Internet. Many young men use erection-promoting drugs to compensate for performance anxiety and to increase sexual capacity. If casual sex were an Olympic sport, drugs like Viagra would be on the banned list. (Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7: 3736-3742, 2010)
Addicted to Viagra: They should be at their most virile, but a growing number of young men can¿t cope without those little blue pills | Mail Online
Addicted to Viagra: They should be at their most virile, but a growing number of young men can¿t cope without those little blue pills | Mail Online
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To the casual observer, bachelor Daniel Atkinson looks like any other healthy, athletic young man in the prime of his life.
Six foot tall with chiselled cheekbones and a trim physique, Daniel admits he never has any difficulty attracting the opposite sex.
But Daniel, 32, has a very intimate secret. When he wants to have sex with a woman, he needs up to two Viagra pills to perform.
The blue tablets, which are available on the NHS, have long been viewed as essential medication for men in their 50s, 60s and beyond.
But Daniel is one of a growing number of young males turning to the drug due to performance anxiety, triggered by a host of psychological issues from the proliferation of porn on the internet making ‘normal’ sex seem boring, to financial pressures.
Viagra was even blamed for its part in the suicide of a 24-year-old writer earlier this year, after his girlfriend discovered he was secretly using it.
James Andrews’s body was found on a railway line between Bristol and Bath on Valentine’s Day. An inquest into his death revealed how he’d rowed with girlfriend Eleanor Sharpe — a ballet dancer who appeared in the Olympic closing ceremony — over his use of the drug, despite the pair enjoying a ‘normal physical relationship’.
Daniel, now an entertainment promoter, was just 20 and on a weekend with friends in Amsterdam when he took his first pill. It was supplied to him by a friend, after he had picked up a girl.
Even though he had never had erectile problems, he was so impressed by the extra stamina it gave him he continued to take the drug with subsequent girlfriends.
On two occasions, he was even prescribed it by his GP, albeit with warnings about the long-term effects such as blue-tinged vision, heart problems and hearing loss.
Now Daniel says he always has a stockpile of the drug — on which he says he spends up to £1,000 a year — either by consulting private doctors or by picking up supplies when he travels to Spain for work.
‘The doctors there will prescribe them to you on the spot. Then you go to the chemist and get a supply. There’s always English people queueing who are after the same thing.’
Yet Daniel, who lives in London, is in despair over his reliance on the drug:
He says: ‘I diet, I exercise at the gym regularly and I am almost as fit as I was when I was a teenager. I love the company of women and always have. But now I am in my 30s, I have been exposed to so much sex, I sometimes find it hard to do without Viagra.
‘No matter how I’m feeling, what’s going through my head, or how attracted to the woman I’m with, it makes no difference. Now, if I know I’m due to see a woman, I discreetly take two pills beforehand.’
By taking up to six tablets a week, Daniel is aware of the health risks.
The drug contains sildenafil citrate and works by improving blood flow in the penis. Daniel admits he sometimes experiences ringing in his ears. But despite the dangers, he feels as a single man he has little choice.
‘I know it’s bad for my health,’ he says. ‘I can hear my heart palpitating when I take the tablets, and I come out in cold sweats. Sometimes the beating is so loud, I think I am going to have a heart attack. I need some help to stop.’
So why is a drug, once linked to greying, paunchy men past their prime, now taking over the sex lives of the young and seemingly virile?
What’s more, what does it say about our sexualised society where even the natural prowess of youth is not enough for the young men of today?
Harley Street psychosexual counsellor Raymond Francis says he sees about 15 men a month who feel dependent on Viagra. The average age is about 32 — his youngest client is just 27.
But Raymond, who is based at the Apex Practice, says: ‘I think this is just a small sample of the problem. These men don’t have any physical problems that would cause erectile difficulties. Instead they feel they need it because they are putting too many expectations on themselves — based on what they believe women want in the bedroom.’
In many cases, Raymond says his male patients have been influenced by seeing internet pornography from a young age. ‘Sometimes these men will have deeply embedded and unrealistic expectations of the women they want to have sex with — or what they should be able to do.’
One such patient is Sam, 31, who was dependent on the drug throughout much of his 20s before he sought help two years ago.
Sam places the root of his problem on internet porn, which he says he started viewing when he was 12 — long before he lost his virginity. ‘Seeing all these studs going for hours on end seemed to underline what I couldn’t do,’ he says.
‘I felt so ashamed. I once mentioned it to my GP but he was very unsympathetic so I never dared bring the subject up again with anyone. I started ordering them on the web, even though I was never sure what I was getting.’
But though Sam found the drugs nearly always helped him perform, ultimately they became a barrier to him finding a long-term, intimate relationship.
Sam says: ‘When I had a girlfriend, I’d take Viagra first thing in the morning, so I’d get the sex over and done with under controlled conditions.’
Keeping his reliance on the drug secret, however, placed unbearable pressure on relationships: ‘It meant I could never fully commit emotionally because I couldn’t be honest about this most basic thing. My relationships never got off the ground. It was all getting so stressful I started avoiding sex. The women I met seemed so confident, I felt I couldn’t live up to what they wanted. I felt like a failure.’
It was when Sam fell in love with his new partner Emily after they met at a party that he realised he needed help.
‘The first time we slept together, I took it secretly, but the expectations were high because she was so special to me. So that time, even Viagra didn’t work. I could see she was worried and upset it was her fault, so I decided I had to be candid — and told her everything.’
Sam now has a normal sexual relationship with his partner. ‘It took six months of counselling, but thanks to her, I found the courage to look at the underlying issues.’
Raymond says another common thing is men reporting they feel intimidated by the sexual confidence and demands of modern young women.
‘Women are now so empowered,’ says Raymond. ‘They feel they have as much right as men to dictate the pace sexually. We are not just talking about girls who would once have been seen as promiscuous.
‘These days a professional career woman who has been brought up in a culture of success wants to exercise that freedom and strength in her sex life, too.
‘In just one or two generations, there has been a turnaround. Before, it was always the expectation that the man was the predator. Now ladette culture has turned that on its head. Faced with this pressure, young men bring performance fears to the bedroom long before any sex takes place.’
One such sexually confident woman is Nicola, an attractive finance worker in her late 20s who admits it was partly the sexual demands she put on her partner which helped trigger the anxieties that contributed to his impotence.
‘When the sex wasn’t great, I was honest about how frustrated I was from the outset, which made the problem worse,’ she says.
‘We tried Viagra, but it felt like a planned event. So now I don’t want him to tell me if he’s taken it or not. I just want to think the sex was naturally great.’
Nicola says her attitude to sex is typical of her generation, and many of her girlfriends are reporting similar problems in the bedroom.
She says: ‘Women our age probably do have more of a sexual past. I’ve had 15 partners, while my partner’s only had five, so that’s another layer of pressure on him. Because I’m quite skilled sexually, he probably wonders where I learned it from and how he compares.’
Another reason male patients in their 30s turn to Viagra is the pressure on them to produce babies within a strict timeframe.
Raymond says: ‘These are men in conventional partnerships where the woman has chosen to defer birth until her career is established and then finds it difficult to get pregnant.
‘These men feel pressured to perform at a prescribed time and the sex becomes mechanistic, rather than borne out of passion and desire. The pressure on the man becomes horrific and he feels he needs to have Viagra up his sleeve.’
The NHS spends around £58 million a year handing out more than £17 million repeat prescriptions for impotence drugs.
At the moment, only men with health conditions — prostate cancer, diabetes, multiple sclerosis or kidney failure — that are known to reduce their sex drive are supposed to get them for free, though many psychosexual counsellors say it is being given to younger men with no physical reasons for impotence.
Managers at several NHS trusts are encouraging doctors to limit the number of tablets handed out to cut costs.
As the drug’s manufacturer Pfizer points out, the drug should be taken only with a prescription from a healthcare professional and used according to the guidance on the label. It says studies have found it is not physically addictive. But even if the addiction is all in the mind, there is no doubt the drug is distorting lives.
Over the past six years, Janice Hiller, a clinical psychologist who heads the Sexual Health Psychological Services team at Goodmayes Hospital in Essex, says she has seen an increase in the number of male patients dependent on Viagra. Her youngest patient has been 22.
Janice blames the trend on an increasingly sexualised society and the unrealistic expectations raised by the internet.
She says: ‘Young men feel women expect sex very early on in a relationship, perhaps on the first or second date, and that creates performance anxiety if they are not really confident.
‘After they have been exposed to a lot of internet porn, the major stimulus for men can become the pornographic image rather than the girl they are with. That can be damaging. These images go round in their heads and they then cannot become aroused with a real girl.
‘Usually men seek help when they meet a woman they really like and are desperate for it to work. In those cases, we have to talk about how the length of a sex session is not the most important thing for women, and how they really want all sorts of other things in a relationship, too.’
For married couples, the discovery that a husband is secretly taking Viagra can also be devastating, says Janice.
‘Women who do find out often feel they have become unattractive to their partners,’ she says.
‘Viagra is enormously helpful if used in a managed, thoughtful way among those who need it. But in younger men it does not solve a problem. More often than not it adds a new level of anxiety.’
Chartered Clinical Psychologist Dr Abigael San, who has treated patients caught in a circle of Viagra use, says: ‘These younger men believe they are only satisfying a woman because they are using the drug. The solution becomes the problem.’
The taboo around Viagra use among young men is so great that despite the embarrassment factor, Daniel is speaking up because he feels it’s time the issue was more openly discussed.
‘I am not ashamed of my dependence — I know so many guys my age with the same issues who started off using it recreationally and now find it hard to stop.
‘I think many of us wish we’d never taken it that first time. I, for one, would love to be free of it.’
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To the casual observer, bachelor Daniel Atkinson looks like any other healthy, athletic young man in the prime of his life.
Six foot tall with chiselled cheekbones and a trim physique, Daniel admits he never has any difficulty attracting the opposite sex.
But Daniel, 32, has a very intimate secret. When he wants to have sex with a woman, he needs up to two Viagra pills to perform.
Intimidated: Young men are becoming increasingly nervous of today's confident, self-assured women
But Daniel is one of a growing number of young males turning to the drug due to performance anxiety, triggered by a host of psychological issues from the proliferation of porn on the internet making ‘normal’ sex seem boring, to financial pressures.
Viagra was even blamed for its part in the suicide of a 24-year-old writer earlier this year, after his girlfriend discovered he was secretly using it.
James Andrews’s body was found on a railway line between Bristol and Bath on Valentine’s Day. An inquest into his death revealed how he’d rowed with girlfriend Eleanor Sharpe — a ballet dancer who appeared in the Olympic closing ceremony — over his use of the drug, despite the pair enjoying a ‘normal physical relationship’.
Daniel, now an entertainment promoter, was just 20 and on a weekend with friends in Amsterdam when he took his first pill. It was supplied to him by a friend, after he had picked up a girl.
Even though he had never had erectile problems, he was so impressed by the extra stamina it gave him he continued to take the drug with subsequent girlfriends.
On two occasions, he was even prescribed it by his GP, albeit with warnings about the long-term effects such as blue-tinged vision, heart problems and hearing loss.
Now Daniel says he always has a stockpile of the drug — on which he says he spends up to £1,000 a year — either by consulting private doctors or by picking up supplies when he travels to Spain for work.
‘The doctors there will prescribe them to you on the spot. Then you go to the chemist and get a supply. There’s always English people queueing who are after the same thing.’
Yet Daniel, who lives in London, is in despair over his reliance on the drug:
He says: ‘I diet, I exercise at the gym regularly and I am almost as fit as I was when I was a teenager. I love the company of women and always have. But now I am in my 30s, I have been exposed to so much sex, I sometimes find it hard to do without Viagra.
Pills: Many men have turned to Viagra to boost their confidence but results aren't always as expected
WHO KNEW?
More than 70 per cent of male internet users aged 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month
By taking up to six tablets a week, Daniel is aware of the health risks.
Performance anxiety: Daniel relies on Viagra
‘I know it’s bad for my health,’ he says. ‘I can hear my heart palpitating when I take the tablets, and I come out in cold sweats. Sometimes the beating is so loud, I think I am going to have a heart attack. I need some help to stop.’
So why is a drug, once linked to greying, paunchy men past their prime, now taking over the sex lives of the young and seemingly virile?
What’s more, what does it say about our sexualised society where even the natural prowess of youth is not enough for the young men of today?
Harley Street psychosexual counsellor Raymond Francis says he sees about 15 men a month who feel dependent on Viagra. The average age is about 32 — his youngest client is just 27.
But Raymond, who is based at the Apex Practice, says: ‘I think this is just a small sample of the problem. These men don’t have any physical problems that would cause erectile difficulties. Instead they feel they need it because they are putting too many expectations on themselves — based on what they believe women want in the bedroom.’
In many cases, Raymond says his male patients have been influenced by seeing internet pornography from a young age. ‘Sometimes these men will have deeply embedded and unrealistic expectations of the women they want to have sex with — or what they should be able to do.’
One such patient is Sam, 31, who was dependent on the drug throughout much of his 20s before he sought help two years ago.
Sam places the root of his problem on internet porn, which he says he started viewing when he was 12 — long before he lost his virginity. ‘Seeing all these studs going for hours on end seemed to underline what I couldn’t do,’ he says.
‘I felt so ashamed. I once mentioned it to my GP but he was very unsympathetic so I never dared bring the subject up again with anyone. I started ordering them on the web, even though I was never sure what I was getting.’
But though Sam found the drugs nearly always helped him perform, ultimately they became a barrier to him finding a long-term, intimate relationship.
Sam says: ‘When I had a girlfriend, I’d take Viagra first thing in the morning, so I’d get the sex over and done with under controlled conditions.’
The curse of porn: Internet porn has left many men worrying about their stamina and sexual prowess
It was when Sam fell in love with his new partner Emily after they met at a party that he realised he needed help.
‘The first time we slept together, I took it secretly, but the expectations were high because she was so special to me. So that time, even Viagra didn’t work. I could see she was worried and upset it was her fault, so I decided I had to be candid — and told her everything.’
Sam now has a normal sexual relationship with his partner. ‘It took six months of counselling, but thanks to her, I found the courage to look at the underlying issues.’
Raymond says another common thing is men reporting they feel intimidated by the sexual confidence and demands of modern young women.
‘Women are now so empowered,’ says Raymond. ‘They feel they have as much right as men to dictate the pace sexually. We are not just talking about girls who would once have been seen as promiscuous.
‘These days a professional career woman who has been brought up in a culture of success wants to exercise that freedom and strength in her sex life, too.
‘In just one or two generations, there has been a turnaround. Before, it was always the expectation that the man was the predator. Now ladette culture has turned that on its head. Faced with this pressure, young men bring performance fears to the bedroom long before any sex takes place.’
One such sexually confident woman is Nicola, an attractive finance worker in her late 20s who admits it was partly the sexual demands she put on her partner which helped trigger the anxieties that contributed to his impotence.
‘When the sex wasn’t great, I was honest about how frustrated I was from the outset, which made the problem worse,’ she says.
‘We tried Viagra, but it felt like a planned event. So now I don’t want him to tell me if he’s taken it or not. I just want to think the sex was naturally great.’
Nicola says her attitude to sex is typical of her generation, and many of her girlfriends are reporting similar problems in the bedroom.
Modern: Women today know what they want in bed - and for many young men, that's terrifying
She says: ‘Women our age probably do have more of a sexual past. I’ve had 15 partners, while my partner’s only had five, so that’s another layer of pressure on him. Because I’m quite skilled sexually, he probably wonders where I learned it from and how he compares.’
Another reason male patients in their 30s turn to Viagra is the pressure on them to produce babies within a strict timeframe.
Raymond says: ‘These are men in conventional partnerships where the woman has chosen to defer birth until her career is established and then finds it difficult to get pregnant.
‘These men feel pressured to perform at a prescribed time and the sex becomes mechanistic, rather than borne out of passion and desire. The pressure on the man becomes horrific and he feels he needs to have Viagra up his sleeve.’
The NHS spends around £58 million a year handing out more than £17 million repeat prescriptions for impotence drugs.
At the moment, only men with health conditions — prostate cancer, diabetes, multiple sclerosis or kidney failure — that are known to reduce their sex drive are supposed to get them for free, though many psychosexual counsellors say it is being given to younger men with no physical reasons for impotence.
Managers at several NHS trusts are encouraging doctors to limit the number of tablets handed out to cut costs.
As the drug’s manufacturer Pfizer points out, the drug should be taken only with a prescription from a healthcare professional and used according to the guidance on the label. It says studies have found it is not physically addictive. But even if the addiction is all in the mind, there is no doubt the drug is distorting lives.
Over the past six years, Janice Hiller, a clinical psychologist who heads the Sexual Health Psychological Services team at Goodmayes Hospital in Essex, says she has seen an increase in the number of male patients dependent on Viagra. Her youngest patient has been 22.
Janice blames the trend on an increasingly sexualised society and the unrealistic expectations raised by the internet.
She says: ‘Young men feel women expect sex very early on in a relationship, perhaps on the first or second date, and that creates performance anxiety if they are not really confident.
‘After they have been exposed to a lot of internet porn, the major stimulus for men can become the pornographic image rather than the girl they are with. That can be damaging. These images go round in their heads and they then cannot become aroused with a real girl.
‘Usually men seek help when they meet a woman they really like and are desperate for it to work. In those cases, we have to talk about how the length of a sex session is not the most important thing for women, and how they really want all sorts of other things in a relationship, too.’
For married couples, the discovery that a husband is secretly taking Viagra can also be devastating, says Janice.
‘Women who do find out often feel they have become unattractive to their partners,’ she says.
‘Viagra is enormously helpful if used in a managed, thoughtful way among those who need it. But in younger men it does not solve a problem. More often than not it adds a new level of anxiety.’
Chartered Clinical Psychologist Dr Abigael San, who has treated patients caught in a circle of Viagra use, says: ‘These younger men believe they are only satisfying a woman because they are using the drug. The solution becomes the problem.’
The taboo around Viagra use among young men is so great that despite the embarrassment factor, Daniel is speaking up because he feels it’s time the issue was more openly discussed.
‘I am not ashamed of my dependence — I know so many guys my age with the same issues who started off using it recreationally and now find it hard to stop.
‘I think many of us wish we’d never taken it that first time. I, for one, would love to be free of it.’
Rate of divorce after 20 years of marriage doubles | Sunshine Coast Daily
Rate of divorce after 20 years of marriage doubles | Sunshine Coast Daily
According to new data released today by the Australian Institute of Family Studies on Monday, more Australians are divorcing after twenty years or more of marriage,
The AIFS' report Working Out Relationships reveals an increase in the number of couples divorcing after long periods of marriage.
AIFS' Director, Professor Alan Hayes said that the proportion of divorces ending after twenty years had increased from 13% in 1990 to 28% in 2011.
"Divorce trends have been heavily influenced by changing social norms about remaining in unhappy marriages.
"There is far less social stigma today about ending a marriage and women are less reliant on men for their financial stability," Professor Hayes said.
"The increased proportion of all divorces that entail longer term marriages also suggests that increasing numbers of parents will delay divorce until all of their children are at least 18 years old.
"It is not surprising that the proportion of divorces involving children under 18 years has declined over the last few decades."
AIFS' Senior Research Fellow, Lixia Qu said divorce after fewer than ten years of marriage remained the most common time for separation.
"We are also seeing partnership rates falling among middle aged people, reflecting both the decline in the marriage rate and the increase in divorce rates for middle age men and women.
"The fall in partnership rates was particularly evident among men aged in their late 40s to early 60s and for women in their early 40s through to their late 50s."
DIVORCE BY THE AGE GROUPS
For women, the divorce rate was highest for the under-25 age group, whereas for men, it was highest for those aged 25-29 years - a gender difference that reflects the fact that women tend to marry at a younger age than men.
Divorce was experienced by 18.2 in every 1,000 married men aged 25-29, and by 17.6 and 16.5 in every 1,000 married men aged under 25 years and 30-34 years respectively
The number of women experiencing divorce in every 1,000 married women of the same ages was 20.8 at under 25 years, 18.8 at 25-29 years, and 16.9 at 30-34 years.
The divorce rate was similar for those aged in their 30s and early 40s, and also for men and women in these age groups (men: 16.5-17.4; women 16.9-17.0).
Beyond the early 40s, the rate declined progressively with increasing age; however, gender differences started to emerge again, with higher rates for men than women in the 50+ age categories.
At least two factors contribute to this gender difference: the greater tendency for men than women of this age to re-marry (ABS, 2001b), and the greater instability of re-marriages than first marriages
Source: Australian Institute of Family Studies
Source: Relationships Australia
- APN Newsdesk
- 27th May 2013 11:23 AM
According to new data released today by the Australian Institute of Family Studies on Monday, more Australians are divorcing after twenty years or more of marriage,
The AIFS' report Working Out Relationships reveals an increase in the number of couples divorcing after long periods of marriage.
AIFS' Director, Professor Alan Hayes said that the proportion of divorces ending after twenty years had increased from 13% in 1990 to 28% in 2011.
"Divorce trends have been heavily influenced by changing social norms about remaining in unhappy marriages.
"There is far less social stigma today about ending a marriage and women are less reliant on men for their financial stability," Professor Hayes said.
"The increased proportion of all divorces that entail longer term marriages also suggests that increasing numbers of parents will delay divorce until all of their children are at least 18 years old.
"It is not surprising that the proportion of divorces involving children under 18 years has declined over the last few decades."
AIFS' Senior Research Fellow, Lixia Qu said divorce after fewer than ten years of marriage remained the most common time for separation.
"We are also seeing partnership rates falling among middle aged people, reflecting both the decline in the marriage rate and the increase in divorce rates for middle age men and women.
"The fall in partnership rates was particularly evident among men aged in their late 40s to early 60s and for women in their early 40s through to their late 50s."
DIVORCE BY THE AGE GROUPS
For women, the divorce rate was highest for the under-25 age group, whereas for men, it was highest for those aged 25-29 years - a gender difference that reflects the fact that women tend to marry at a younger age than men.
Divorce was experienced by 18.2 in every 1,000 married men aged 25-29, and by 17.6 and 16.5 in every 1,000 married men aged under 25 years and 30-34 years respectively
The number of women experiencing divorce in every 1,000 married women of the same ages was 20.8 at under 25 years, 18.8 at 25-29 years, and 16.9 at 30-34 years.
The divorce rate was similar for those aged in their 30s and early 40s, and also for men and women in these age groups (men: 16.5-17.4; women 16.9-17.0).
Beyond the early 40s, the rate declined progressively with increasing age; however, gender differences started to emerge again, with higher rates for men than women in the 50+ age categories.
At least two factors contribute to this gender difference: the greater tendency for men than women of this age to re-marry (ABS, 2001b), and the greater instability of re-marriages than first marriages
Source: Australian Institute of Family Studies
Source: Relationships Australia
Saturday, 25 May 2013
"How long until I vote you off the island?" - Sandra Tsing Loh - The Atlantic
The Weaker Sex - Sandra Tsing Loh - The Atlantic
In short, this new unwifeableness is exactly what all those finger-wagging 19th-century British men thundered against. Mundy espouses this brave new world in which, freed from the usual economic and societal constraints, emancipated women can choose males based strictly on romantic feeling. But the flip side is: if romance is all the woman is in it for, the man had better BRING IT—or else. And how much easier is it to put on your hat in the morning, get on the train, and drag home a monthly paycheck than to consistently evoke heady romantic feelings in a (hungry! bloated!) woman?
In fact, very, very few adults possess so much charm that they can long be supported by another adult based on that attribute alone. It’s nature’s way—children have to be cute for 18 years (an unusually long span, in the mammalian world) so parents are motivated to shoulder their care; dogs and cats need to give us affection so we’ll feed them; adult companionate relationships depend on the commerce of gratitude, which in the past has come down to the exchange of care for money.
And an excess of money, whether it’s the male or the female who has it, makes a monster of us all—or at least makes one less inclined to endure the cumbersome ordinariness of other people.
"And an excess of money, whether it’s the male or the female who has it, makes a monster of us all—or at least makes one less inclined to endure the cumbersome ordinariness of other people. "My own culinary moment of truth came on a recent day of frustrating business calls and frustrating writing, plus an hour-long installation of a complex new HP all-in-one printer thingy while roasting a chicken while struggling to fix our enigmatic dishwasher, after which I sat down to dinner with my male partner—who had just cheerfully returned from the outside world—with one candle (I couldn’t find the other). I made the mistake of asking “How was your day?” and he made the mistake of responding, and as I watched his mouth move, I felt my trigger finger twitch and thought those awful words only a woman who needs a man neither to support her nor to be a father to her children can think: How long until I vote you off the island?
In short, this new unwifeableness is exactly what all those finger-wagging 19th-century British men thundered against. Mundy espouses this brave new world in which, freed from the usual economic and societal constraints, emancipated women can choose males based strictly on romantic feeling. But the flip side is: if romance is all the woman is in it for, the man had better BRING IT—or else. And how much easier is it to put on your hat in the morning, get on the train, and drag home a monthly paycheck than to consistently evoke heady romantic feelings in a (hungry! bloated!) woman?
In fact, very, very few adults possess so much charm that they can long be supported by another adult based on that attribute alone. It’s nature’s way—children have to be cute for 18 years (an unusually long span, in the mammalian world) so parents are motivated to shoulder their care; dogs and cats need to give us affection so we’ll feed them; adult companionate relationships depend on the commerce of gratitude, which in the past has come down to the exchange of care for money.
And an excess of money, whether it’s the male or the female who has it, makes a monster of us all—or at least makes one less inclined to endure the cumbersome ordinariness of other people.
Monday, 20 May 2013
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Remedia Amoris (Love's Remedy or The Cure for Love) - poem by the Roman poet Ovid.
Ovid - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Remedia Amoris - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Remedia Amoris (Love's Remedy or The Cure for Love) is a 814 line poem in Latin by the Roman poet Ovid.
In this poem, Ovid offers advice and strategies to avoid being hurt by love feelings, or to fall out of love, with a stoic overtone. Such strategies include:
To leave your partner:
Remedia Amoris - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Remedia Amoris (Love's Remedy or The Cure for Love) is a 814 line poem in Latin by the Roman poet Ovid.
In this poem, Ovid offers advice and strategies to avoid being hurt by love feelings, or to fall out of love, with a stoic overtone. Such strategies include:
To leave your partner:
- Trying to quit loving before the feeling becomes too important
- Trying to be as busy as you can, e.g. with work
- Traveling and trying to avoid familiar places that remind you of your relationship
- Having many affairs, or at least another affair to forget the previous one
- Trying to have sex in an unpleasant way
- Focusing on the unpleasant body parts/physical flaws of the partner
- Trying to focus on all unfortunate things that happen because of the relationship, such as material issues
- Avoiding staying by yourself
- Avoiding places where you can see couples
- Avoiding all contact with her and with her family and relatives
- When explaining why you broke up, avoiding giving details
- Trying to be as silent as you can on your relationship when it's over
- If you know you are going to see your ex-partner again, avoid trying to look nice for the occasion
- Forgetting about any chances in the future for the relationship to start again
- Burning letters/portraits of your partner
- Avoiding theatre plays or poetries idealizing the concept of love
- Convincing yourself that you don't have any rival, to avoid jealousy. According to Ovid, jealousy is one of the main reason why people stay in love.
- Avoiding to stop in front of the door of your ex partner's house, and picturing it as an awful place bringing only misfortune.
- Avoiding certain kind of food
- Avoiding drinking alcohol in moderation. Instead, do not drink at all or drink abusively
External links
OVID: CURES FOR LOVE
(REMEDIA AMORIS)
Translated by A. S. Kline © 2001 All Rights Reserved
This work may be freely reproduced, stored, and transmitted, electronically or otherwise, for any non-commercial purpose.
Contents
Love Potions - The Philosopher's Zone - ABC Radio National (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)
Love Potions - The Philosopher's Zone - ABC Radio National (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)
Love Potions
Sunday 12 May 2013 5:30PM
IMAGE: ANTI-LOVE BIOTECHNOLOGY IS UPON US: WHAT ARE THE ETHICS OF THE CHEMICAL BUST UP? (FOTOGRAFIABASICA/GETTY)
Oxford ethicist Brian Earp sees a not-too-distant future where love potions are the norm: a pill to stay in love, and one to move on.
Along with colleagues Anders Sandberg and Julian Savulescu, his latest thinking concerns the ethics of the chemical break up, a far step from the methods of Ovid.
How might we get ahead of the ethical curve, to make sure the right decisions are made in a daring, new amorous world?
Love Potions
Sunday 12 May 2013 5:30PM
IMAGE: ANTI-LOVE BIOTECHNOLOGY IS UPON US: WHAT ARE THE ETHICS OF THE CHEMICAL BUST UP? (FOTOGRAFIABASICA/GETTY)
Oxford ethicist Brian Earp sees a not-too-distant future where love potions are the norm: a pill to stay in love, and one to move on.
Along with colleagues Anders Sandberg and Julian Savulescu, his latest thinking concerns the ethics of the chemical break up, a far step from the methods of Ovid.
How might we get ahead of the ethical curve, to make sure the right decisions are made in a daring, new amorous world?
Friday, 17 May 2013
Geisha - Wikipedia
Geisha - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Traditional Japan embraced sexual delights (it is not a Shinto taboo) and men were not constrained to be faithful to their wives. The ideal wife was a modest mother and manager of the home; by Confucian custom love had secondary importance. For sexual enjoyment and romantic attachment, men did not go to their wives, but to courtesans. Walled-in pleasure quarters known as yūkaku (遊廓、遊郭) were built in the 16th century,[7] and in 1617 the shogunate designated "pleasure quarters", outside of which prostitution would be illegal,[8] and within which "yūjo" ("play women") would be classified and licensed.
The highest yūjo class was the Geisha's predecessor, called "Oiran", a combination of actress and prostitute, originally playing on stages set in the dry Kamo riverbed in Kyoto. They performed erotic dances and skits, and this new art was dubbed kabuku, meaning "to be wild and outrageous". The dances were called "kabuki," and this was the beginning of kabuki theater.[8]
Kaiyoikomachi": A Geisha in her Lover's Room (from Futaba gusa Nanakomachi by Kitagawa Utamaro, between 1800 and 1806. Brooklyn Museum)
These pleasure quarters quickly became glamorous entertainment centers, offering more than sex. The highly accomplished courtesans of these districts entertained their clients by dancing, singing, and playing music. Some were renowned poets and calligraphers. Gradually, they all became specialized and the new profession, purely of entertainment, arose. It was near the turn of the eighteenth century that the first entertainers of the pleasure quarters, called geisha, appeared. The very first geishas were men, entertaining customers waiting to see the most popular and gifted courtesans (oiran).[8]
The forerunners of the female geisha were the teenage odoriko ("dancing girls"):[9] expensively trained as chaste dancers-for-hire. In the 1680s, they were popular paid entertainers in the private homes of upper-class samurai,[10] though many had turned to prostitution by the early 18th century. Those who were no longer teenagers (and could no longer style themselves odoriko[11]) adopted other names—one being "geisha", after the male entertainers.
Tokyo geisha with shamisen, circa 1870s
Traditional Japan embraced sexual delights (it is not a Shinto taboo) and men were not constrained to be faithful to their wives. The ideal wife was a modest mother and manager of the home; by Confucian custom love had secondary importance. For sexual enjoyment and romantic attachment, men did not go to their wives, but to courtesans. Walled-in pleasure quarters known as yūkaku (遊廓、遊郭) were built in the 16th century,[7] and in 1617 the shogunate designated "pleasure quarters", outside of which prostitution would be illegal,[8] and within which "yūjo" ("play women") would be classified and licensed.
The highest yūjo class was the Geisha's predecessor, called "Oiran", a combination of actress and prostitute, originally playing on stages set in the dry Kamo riverbed in Kyoto. They performed erotic dances and skits, and this new art was dubbed kabuku, meaning "to be wild and outrageous". The dances were called "kabuki," and this was the beginning of kabuki theater.[8]
The forerunners of the female geisha were the teenage odoriko ("dancing girls"):[9] expensively trained as chaste dancers-for-hire. In the 1680s, they were popular paid entertainers in the private homes of upper-class samurai,[10] though many had turned to prostitution by the early 18th century. Those who were no longer teenagers (and could no longer style themselves odoriko[11]) adopted other names—one being "geisha", after the male entertainers.
Sing-song girls (courtesans in China during the early 19th century) - Wikipedia
Sing-song girls - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Sing-song girls (also known as flower girls) is an English term for the courtesans in China during the early 19th century.
The custom could be invoked without the wife's consent: The husband's actions were protected by law. The wives would co-exist in the same family. A man might choose a courtesan to be his concubine. Many of these courtesans would sing songs to attract potential husbands, hoping to become secondary wives.[1]
There is another version of the source of the term. According to the 1892 fictional masterpiece by Han Bangqing called Sing-song girls of Shanghai, also known as Flowers of Shanghai, people in Shanghai called the women who performed in sing-song houses as "xi sheng" (Chinese: 先生) in Wu language. It was pronounced like "sing-song" and the young women always sang to entertain the customers, thus the Westerners called them Sing-Song girls. The word xi sang in this case is a polite term used to refer to an entertainer.
Sing-song girls (also known as flower girls) is an English term for the courtesans in China during the early 19th century.
Contents |
Origin
Before the founding of modern China in 1911, concubinage was legal. In Chinese custom, males carry the family name and the family's heritage after marriage. To ensure male heirs were produced, it was a common practice for an upper-class married male to have one or more concubines, provided he could support them.[1]The custom could be invoked without the wife's consent: The husband's actions were protected by law. The wives would co-exist in the same family. A man might choose a courtesan to be his concubine. Many of these courtesans would sing songs to attract potential husbands, hoping to become secondary wives.[1]
Terminology
Many of the Westerners in China at the time saw these women sing but had no idea what to call them since they were not classified as prostitutes. Thus the term "Sing-Song Girls" came about.[1]There is another version of the source of the term. According to the 1892 fictional masterpiece by Han Bangqing called Sing-song girls of Shanghai, also known as Flowers of Shanghai, people in Shanghai called the women who performed in sing-song houses as "xi sheng" (Chinese: 先生) in Wu language. It was pronounced like "sing-song" and the young women always sang to entertain the customers, thus the Westerners called them Sing-Song girls. The word xi sang in this case is a polite term used to refer to an entertainer.
Their lives
Sing-song girls were trained from childhood to entertain wealthy male clients through companionship, singing and dancing in special sing-song houses. They might or might not provide sexual services, but many did. They generally saw themselves as lovers and not prostitutes. Sing-song girls did not have distinctive costumes or make-up. Often they wore Shanghai cheongsam as upper-class Chinese women did. Sing-song girls often did amateur Chinese opera performance for clients and often wore the traditional Chinese opera costume for small group performance. The girls had one or several male sponsors who might or might not be married and relied on these sponsors to pay off family or personal debts or to sustain their high standard of living. Many sing-song girls married their sponsors to start a free life.Historical use of the term
- The concept has been around for 2,000 years as recorded by emperors of the Han Dynasty who needed to provide female entertainment for troop amusement.[1] In ancient China, many terms were given to these entertainers, such as "gē jì" (Chinese: 歌妓, literally "singing female entertainer" or "singing courtesan"), "gē jī" (Chinese: 歌姬, literally "singing beauty"), "ōu zhě" (Chinese: 謳者, literally "singing person"), etc.
- The English term came from 1911 (see Origin).
- During the 1930s, Li Jinhui started the Chinese popular music industry with a number of musical troupes. The groups were mostly young women performing and singing. The term Sing-Song-Girls stuck, since the Communist Party of China associated pop music as Yellow Music or pornography in the 1940s.[2]
Courtesan - Wikipedia
Courtesan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A courtesan was originally a courtier, which means a person who attends the court of a monarch or other powerful person.[1] The modern use of the term for a prostitute or mistress of a man of rank[2] belies a much more complex heritage.
In feudal society, the court was the centre of government as well as the residence of the monarch, and social and political life were often completely mixed together. Prior to the Renaissance, courtesans served to convey information untrusted to servants to visiting dignitaries. In Renaissance Europe, courtiers played an extremely important role in upper-class society.
As it was customary during this time for royal couples to lead separate lives—commonly marrying simply to preserve bloodlines and to secure political alliances—men and women would often seek gratification and companionship from people living at court. In fact, the verb to court originally meant "to be or reside at court", and later came to mean "to behave as a courtier" and then "to pay amorous attention to somebody".[3] The most intimate companion of a ruler was called the favourite.
In Renaissance usage, the Italian word cortigiana, feminine of cortigiano ("courtier") came to refer to "the ruler's mistress", and then to a well-educated and independent woman of loose morals, eventually a trained artisan of dance and singing, especially one associated with wealthy, powerful, or upper-class men who provided luxuries and status in exchange for companionship.[4] The word was borrowed by English from Italian through the French form "courtisane" during the 16th century, especially associated to the meaning of court-mistress and prostitute.[1]
Veronica Franco, famous Venetian poetess and courtesan. Portrait by Paolo Veronese.There were two types of courtesan. In one category was a type of courtesan known (in Italy) as the cortigiana onesta, or the honest courtesan, who was cast as an intellectual. In the other was the cortigiana di lume, a lower class of courtesan. Although the latter was still considered better than an average prostitute, the former was the sort most often romanticized and treated more-or-less equal to women of the nobility. It is with this type of courtesan that the art of "courtisanerie" is best associated.
The cortigiane oneste were usually well-educated and worldly (sometimes even more so than the average upper-class woman), and often held simultaneous careers as performers or artists. They were typically chosen on the basis of their "breeding"—social and conversational skills, intelligence, common-sense, and companionship—as well as their physical attributes. It was usually their wit and personality that set them apart from regular women. They were prostitutes in the sense that sex was one of their obligations, but unlike the average prostitute, sex constituted only a facet of the courtesan's array of services. For example, they were expected to be well-dressed and ready to engage in a variety of topics ranging from art to music to politics.
In some cases, courtesans were from well-to-do backgrounds, and were even married—but to husbands lower on the social ladder than their clients. In these cases, their relationships with those of high social status had the potential to improve their spouses' status—and so, more often than not, the husband was aware of his wife's profession and dealings.[7]
Often, courtesans serving in this capacity began their career as a prostitute, or were passed from one benefactor to another, thereby resulting in them being viewed in society circles as lower than both their benefactor and those of wealth and power with whom they would socialize. Often, in instances of this sort, if the courtesan had satisfactorily served a benefactor, that benefactor would, when ending the affair, pass them on to another benefactor of wealth as a favor to the courtesan, or set them up in an arranged marriage to a semi-wealthy benefactor. In the event that the courtesan had angered or dissatisfied a benefactor, they would often find themselves cast out of wealthy circles, returning more often than not to street prostitution.
Affairs of this sort would often be short-lived, ending when either the courtesan or the courtesan's spouse received the status or political position desired, or when the benefactor chose the company of another courtesan, and compensated the former companion financially. In instances like this, it was often viewed simply as a business agreement by both parties involved. The benefactor was aware of the political or social favors expected by the courtesan, the courtesan was aware of the price expected from them for those favors being carried out, and the two met one another's demands, an example being Madame de Pompadour.
This was generally a safe affair, as both the benefactor's spouse and the courtesan's spouse usually were fully aware of the arrangement, and the courtesan was not solely dependent on the benefactor. It, rather, was simply an affair of benefits gained for both those involved. Publicly and socially, affairs of this sort were common during the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries, as well as the early 20th century, and were generally accepted in wealthy circles.[7]
Courtesan
| Relationships |
|---|
In feudal society, the court was the centre of government as well as the residence of the monarch, and social and political life were often completely mixed together. Prior to the Renaissance, courtesans served to convey information untrusted to servants to visiting dignitaries. In Renaissance Europe, courtiers played an extremely important role in upper-class society.
As it was customary during this time for royal couples to lead separate lives—commonly marrying simply to preserve bloodlines and to secure political alliances—men and women would often seek gratification and companionship from people living at court. In fact, the verb to court originally meant "to be or reside at court", and later came to mean "to behave as a courtier" and then "to pay amorous attention to somebody".[3] The most intimate companion of a ruler was called the favourite.
In Renaissance usage, the Italian word cortigiana, feminine of cortigiano ("courtier") came to refer to "the ruler's mistress", and then to a well-educated and independent woman of loose morals, eventually a trained artisan of dance and singing, especially one associated with wealthy, powerful, or upper-class men who provided luxuries and status in exchange for companionship.[4] The word was borrowed by English from Italian through the French form "courtisane" during the 16th century, especially associated to the meaning of court-mistress and prostitute.[1]
Categories
The cortigiane oneste were usually well-educated and worldly (sometimes even more so than the average upper-class woman), and often held simultaneous careers as performers or artists. They were typically chosen on the basis of their "breeding"—social and conversational skills, intelligence, common-sense, and companionship—as well as their physical attributes. It was usually their wit and personality that set them apart from regular women. They were prostitutes in the sense that sex was one of their obligations, but unlike the average prostitute, sex constituted only a facet of the courtesan's array of services. For example, they were expected to be well-dressed and ready to engage in a variety of topics ranging from art to music to politics.
In some cases, courtesans were from well-to-do backgrounds, and were even married—but to husbands lower on the social ladder than their clients. In these cases, their relationships with those of high social status had the potential to improve their spouses' status—and so, more often than not, the husband was aware of his wife's profession and dealings.[7]
Differences in status
As primary employment
Courtesans from non-wealthy backgrounds were expected to provide charming companionship for extended periods, no matter what their own feelings or commitments might have been at the time, and had to be prepared to do so on short notice. They were also subject to lower social status, and often religious disapproval, because of the perceived immoral aspects of their profession and their reliance upon courtisanerie as a primary source of income. In cases like this, a courtesan was solely dependent on her benefactor or benefactors financially, making her vulnerable; Cora Pearl is a good example.Often, courtesans serving in this capacity began their career as a prostitute, or were passed from one benefactor to another, thereby resulting in them being viewed in society circles as lower than both their benefactor and those of wealth and power with whom they would socialize. Often, in instances of this sort, if the courtesan had satisfactorily served a benefactor, that benefactor would, when ending the affair, pass them on to another benefactor of wealth as a favor to the courtesan, or set them up in an arranged marriage to a semi-wealthy benefactor. In the event that the courtesan had angered or dissatisfied a benefactor, they would often find themselves cast out of wealthy circles, returning more often than not to street prostitution.
For social or political benefits
Those from wealthy backgrounds, either by birth or marriage, and who were acting as courtesans only for the social or political advancement of themselves and/or their spouses were generally treated as equals. They were more respected by their extramarital companions, both placing one another's family obligations ahead of the relationship and planning their own liaisons or social engagements around the lovers' marital obligations.Affairs of this sort would often be short-lived, ending when either the courtesan or the courtesan's spouse received the status or political position desired, or when the benefactor chose the company of another courtesan, and compensated the former companion financially. In instances like this, it was often viewed simply as a business agreement by both parties involved. The benefactor was aware of the political or social favors expected by the courtesan, the courtesan was aware of the price expected from them for those favors being carried out, and the two met one another's demands, an example being Madame de Pompadour.
This was generally a safe affair, as both the benefactor's spouse and the courtesan's spouse usually were fully aware of the arrangement, and the courtesan was not solely dependent on the benefactor. It, rather, was simply an affair of benefits gained for both those involved. Publicly and socially, affairs of this sort were common during the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries, as well as the early 20th century, and were generally accepted in wealthy circles.[7]
Friday, 3 May 2013
Schrodinger’s Slut. Or why it matters what you wear. | judgybitch
Schrodinger’s Slut. Or why it matters what you wear. | judgybitch
Hey, remember this?
http://judgybitch.com/2012/12/07/to-phd-or-not-to-phd-that-is-the-question/
I’m going for it, and I have a class lined up this fall to teach. It will be my first time back in a lecture hall in 12 years, and I’m really looking forward to it. The time commitment is incredibly reasonable – two 90 minutes sessions per week plus some established office hours, and Mr. JB and I will set our schedules so that one of us is always at home.
I will transition slowly to full time over the next three years, at which point our youngest child will be 7 years old, and our family should be able to accommodate me working full time as a professor, especially given that so much of the work can be done at home.
The future looks bright, folks!
At some point in the next 12 months, I will have to write a series of comprehensive exams, which will cover the core theories and research methodologies of my discipline. There will be four THREE hour exams. Just me and a sheet of paper and whatever I can stuff in my brain between now and then. I will be writing with a group of other PhD candidates, although they won’t necessarily be in my disciplinary area.
So obviously, I’m thinking about what I should wear.
I’m really torn: should I go with this battery powered flashing LED Rubik’s cube shirt:
Or the dancing ladies one?
I’m familiar with the theatre in which I will be writing these exams, and I know that it will be flooded with natural light, so I’m thinking that these sequin pants will be just the thing:
And to top it off, of course I will be wearing my glow in the dark pink cowboy hat!
Ladies and gentlemen, that is what you call an EPIC SARTORIAL WIN!
What’s that you say? That the flashing lights and sequins and colors might be visually distracting to the other test writers? That their brains are specifically wired to notice sparkly, flashy things and that it could even set off seizures?
http://www.epilepsysociety.org.uk/aboutepilepsy/whatisepilepsy/triggers/photosensitiveepilepsy
Yeah? Too bad.
I’m sorry, but it is not MY responsibility to consider what effect my test writing outfit has on other people. I cannot be held accountable for how THEY might react. If my fellow candidates find flashing lights and sun-drenched sequins and super-cool neon cowboy hats distracting THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM.
Actually, scratch all that sparkly shit. I think I’m going to wear this:
Trust me, I would look awesome in that outfit. Except no heels. Fuck that.
Yeah, it might cause some involuntary reactions in the people around me, and it might be really distracting and cause my fellow test writers to lose their focus, but life’s a jungle people! If they get distracted and write a shitty exam, well, so much the better for me.
This is essentially the argument Amanda Marcotte makes regarding school dress codes for girls at Double XX today. Le sigh. What the fuck is wrong with Amanda Marcotte anyways?
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/02/15/dress_codes_for_girls_they_don_t_teach_self_respect_only_respecting_girls.html
According to Amanda, girls should be able to wear skirts so short their panties show, and if boys find that disrupting, well, too bad. What we need to do is just IGNORE all the bodies around us and just focus on minds. Girl’s minds, of course. How boy’s mind’s react to provocative clothing and overt displays of sexuality are none of Amanda’s concern. The fact that such reactions are A) involuntary and B) distracting is not relevant. Who cares how boys perform in school anyways, amirite?
Yep. Show us your panties girls, and we’ll just focus on your hearts and minds. Hearts that clearly don’t give a shit about other people and minds that are so mired in narcissism and self-delusion that they can’t comprehend another person’s perspective.
Sounds like excellent training for female adulthood.
Let’s back up a little bit. Yesterday, CleverGuy, JudgyAsshole and PrinceCharming were over for dinner and a postprandial game of Monopoly. Yeah, we’re a pretty lively bunch.
We got to talking about the concept of Schrodinger’s Rapist and why it’s such a stupid metaphor to express the also incredibly stupid idea that all men should be treated as potential rapists.
http://judgybitch.com/2013/02/10/katie-roiphe-thinks-online-relationships-are-more-real-than-real-ones-explaining-once-again-why-she-is-single/
What we really enjoyed about the whole concept is that MEN should pay attention to how they are dressed and how they are acting in order to counter women’s fear that they might be raped. But women should NOT have to pay attention to what they are wearing or how they are acting because patriarchy. Or something.
So we came up without own little thought experiment, and it goes like this:
See? Brilliant!
We’ll mash them all up together in an act of unparalleled genius and call it Schrodinger’s Clusterfuck.
But that’s not fair is it? We have to take other people’s feelings and reactions into account when we move through the world? We have to consider how other people might respond to our actions and choices? We have to step outside our own personal little world-view and try and see reality from someone’s else’s perspective?
Clearly, that’s bullshit.
You know, I think I’ve changed my mind about what I’m going to wear to my exam. I think I’ll go with this:
Come on now! It’s just a piece of clothing. And if people react negatively to my sense of fashion and appropriateness, well, that’s their problem, right?
I can’t be held responsible for how other people react. And I sure as hell can’t PREDICT how other people will react.
The cat, she is dead AND alive, at the same time. Everything else is just random.
Right?
Lots of love,
JB
Hey, remember this?
http://judgybitch.com/2012/12/07/to-phd-or-not-to-phd-that-is-the-question/
I’m going for it, and I have a class lined up this fall to teach. It will be my first time back in a lecture hall in 12 years, and I’m really looking forward to it. The time commitment is incredibly reasonable – two 90 minutes sessions per week plus some established office hours, and Mr. JB and I will set our schedules so that one of us is always at home.
I will transition slowly to full time over the next three years, at which point our youngest child will be 7 years old, and our family should be able to accommodate me working full time as a professor, especially given that so much of the work can be done at home.
The future looks bright, folks!
At some point in the next 12 months, I will have to write a series of comprehensive exams, which will cover the core theories and research methodologies of my discipline. There will be four THREE hour exams. Just me and a sheet of paper and whatever I can stuff in my brain between now and then. I will be writing with a group of other PhD candidates, although they won’t necessarily be in my disciplinary area.
So obviously, I’m thinking about what I should wear.
I’m really torn: should I go with this battery powered flashing LED Rubik’s cube shirt:
Or the dancing ladies one?
I’m familiar with the theatre in which I will be writing these exams, and I know that it will be flooded with natural light, so I’m thinking that these sequin pants will be just the thing:
And to top it off, of course I will be wearing my glow in the dark pink cowboy hat!
Ladies and gentlemen, that is what you call an EPIC SARTORIAL WIN!
What’s that you say? That the flashing lights and sequins and colors might be visually distracting to the other test writers? That their brains are specifically wired to notice sparkly, flashy things and that it could even set off seizures?
http://www.epilepsysociety.org.uk/aboutepilepsy/whatisepilepsy/triggers/photosensitiveepilepsy
Yeah? Too bad.
I’m sorry, but it is not MY responsibility to consider what effect my test writing outfit has on other people. I cannot be held accountable for how THEY might react. If my fellow candidates find flashing lights and sun-drenched sequins and super-cool neon cowboy hats distracting THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM.
Actually, scratch all that sparkly shit. I think I’m going to wear this:
Trust me, I would look awesome in that outfit. Except no heels. Fuck that.
Yeah, it might cause some involuntary reactions in the people around me, and it might be really distracting and cause my fellow test writers to lose their focus, but life’s a jungle people! If they get distracted and write a shitty exam, well, so much the better for me.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW OTHER PEOPLE REACT.
This is essentially the argument Amanda Marcotte makes regarding school dress codes for girls at Double XX today. Le sigh. What the fuck is wrong with Amanda Marcotte anyways?
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/02/15/dress_codes_for_girls_they_don_t_teach_self_respect_only_respecting_girls.html
According to Amanda, girls should be able to wear skirts so short their panties show, and if boys find that disrupting, well, too bad. What we need to do is just IGNORE all the bodies around us and just focus on minds. Girl’s minds, of course. How boy’s mind’s react to provocative clothing and overt displays of sexuality are none of Amanda’s concern. The fact that such reactions are A) involuntary and B) distracting is not relevant. Who cares how boys perform in school anyways, amirite?
I recommend that …[we don’t]… measure girls by their hemlines by not measuring them by their hemlines. Try ignoring their bodies completely and getting directly to the work of cherishing those minds and those hearts instead
Yep. Show us your panties girls, and we’ll just focus on your hearts and minds. Hearts that clearly don’t give a shit about other people and minds that are so mired in narcissism and self-delusion that they can’t comprehend another person’s perspective.
Sounds like excellent training for female adulthood.
Let’s back up a little bit. Yesterday, CleverGuy, JudgyAsshole and PrinceCharming were over for dinner and a postprandial game of Monopoly. Yeah, we’re a pretty lively bunch.
We got to talking about the concept of Schrodinger’s Rapist and why it’s such a stupid metaphor to express the also incredibly stupid idea that all men should be treated as potential rapists.
http://judgybitch.com/2013/02/10/katie-roiphe-thinks-online-relationships-are-more-real-than-real-ones-explaining-once-again-why-she-is-single/
What we really enjoyed about the whole concept is that MEN should pay attention to how they are dressed and how they are acting in order to counter women’s fear that they might be raped. But women should NOT have to pay attention to what they are wearing or how they are acting because patriarchy. Or something.
So we came up without own little thought experiment, and it goes like this:
Schrodinger’s Slut
Assume that all women are sluts and want to have sex with you. Everyone is either LUCKY or UNLUCKY, and no one has any idea what the fuck is going on. Your state of luckiness (man or woman, good or bad) depends upon what clothes you are wearing!
See? Brilliant!
We’ll mash them all up together in an act of unparalleled genius and call it Schrodinger’s Clusterfuck.
All men are rapists and all women are sluts and the only way to tell one from the other is to check out what people are wearing and how they are acting.
But that’s not fair is it? We have to take other people’s feelings and reactions into account when we move through the world? We have to consider how other people might respond to our actions and choices? We have to step outside our own personal little world-view and try and see reality from someone’s else’s perspective?
Clearly, that’s bullshit.
You know, I think I’ve changed my mind about what I’m going to wear to my exam. I think I’ll go with this:
Come on now! It’s just a piece of clothing. And if people react negatively to my sense of fashion and appropriateness, well, that’s their problem, right?
I can’t be held responsible for how other people react. And I sure as hell can’t PREDICT how other people will react.
The cat, she is dead AND alive, at the same time. Everything else is just random.
Right?
Lots of love,
JB
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
I went 12 years without sex | Sophie Fontanel
I went 12 years without sex | Sophie Fontanel
The Art of Sleeping Alone, by Sophie Fontanel.
Sex is not compulsory. Of course it's not, yet the idea is tantamount to sacrilige in the sex-obsessed West.
And so Frenchwoman Sophie Fontanel, a smart Elle senior fashion editor, has become the centre of much controversy with her best-selling book about how she gave up sex. The main reason for the controversy? The book has struck a chord.
L'Envie, her 12th book (published in English as The Art of Sleeping Alone) sold an amazing 150,000 copies in a few weeks.
People stopped her in the street, wrote and emailed her. Most were elated that "finally, someone was saying this shocking thing in our oversexualised society".
"For a long while . . . I chose to live in what was perhaps the worst insubordination of our times: I had no sex life," her elegantly written book starts. The book uses episodes of her life to make the case that women should not give up on their high expectations – that no sex is infinitely preferable to bad sex.
"I spent the first 10 years of my adult life having, frankly, disappointing sex," she says. "It was mechanical, even when it gave me pleasure. I thought I'd eventually learn enough to match the kind of descriptions I'd read and been told about."
Fontanel had friends and a great job as a journalist; she travelled to London and Milan Fashion Week; she was no Shirley Valentine, no Madame Bovary, even if she felt that the men around her were no Cary Grants. There were brief affairs with men she'd met in Parisian clubs or at parties; usually older, more often than not personable, who saw a tall brunette with an engaging smile – and, it seems, didn't investigate further.
There were longer liaisons with men who expected Fontanel to conform to their desires. "One would wake me up at 4.30am to make love, night after night, and didn't care that I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards," she says. "I was always exhausted. You don't say no because it takes almost as much time as doing it. Yet if I had to get up at night to get a glass of water and disturbed him, there were no end of recriminations."
You would say they used her, but it's not in Fontanel's style to pose as a victim. One day she went on a skiing holiday by herself and experienced a complete liberation. "Sleeping alone in a big bed! Skiing on my own, at my own speed! You can't imagine how happy I was. Bliss." After her epiphany, she decided to take a sabbatical from mandatory sex. It lasted 12 years. She writes that she had had enough of being "taken and shaken", but she has also said that "from someone you are madly in love with, the same roughness can be intensely exciting".
It is, first and foremost, a question of choice. You can have the most outlandish sexual experiences, she says, write them up like Catherine Millet – author of 2001 bestseller The Sexual Life of Catherine M, which tells of Millet's endless search for sex with unknowns – and no one will want to appear so gauche as to even suggest moral criticism. Admitting to abstinence? Drop the word at a dinner party and see the scandalised faces. No wonder that early on Fontanel invented imaginary lovers rather than face her friends' reactions.
"I've been called frigid, abnormal, bitter, neurotic, a lesbian – stupid, really, because as a lesbian I would enjoy sex with women!" Acquaintances who ought to know better accused her of regressing to the most reactionary brand of Catholicism. L'Envie woke the inner Neanderthal in the seemingly perfectly sophisticated men in her sophisticated Parisian circles. One friend raged at her: "How could you do this? What if my wife reads your book?"
Other men thanked her, like so many women. "They feel the pressure as well," Fontanel says. "They let themselves be defined by performance. And yet, some of the most interesting characters exist above sex. It's not an infirmity. They simply have better things to do with their lives."
The Sunday Telegraph
The Art of Sleeping Alone (Simon & Schuster) will be released in Australia in July.
The Art of Sleeping Alone, by Sophie Fontanel.
Sex is not compulsory. Of course it's not, yet the idea is tantamount to sacrilige in the sex-obsessed West.
And so Frenchwoman Sophie Fontanel, a smart Elle senior fashion editor, has become the centre of much controversy with her best-selling book about how she gave up sex. The main reason for the controversy? The book has struck a chord.
L'Envie, her 12th book (published in English as The Art of Sleeping Alone) sold an amazing 150,000 copies in a few weeks.
People stopped her in the street, wrote and emailed her. Most were elated that "finally, someone was saying this shocking thing in our oversexualised society".
"For a long while . . . I chose to live in what was perhaps the worst insubordination of our times: I had no sex life," her elegantly written book starts. The book uses episodes of her life to make the case that women should not give up on their high expectations – that no sex is infinitely preferable to bad sex.
"I spent the first 10 years of my adult life having, frankly, disappointing sex," she says. "It was mechanical, even when it gave me pleasure. I thought I'd eventually learn enough to match the kind of descriptions I'd read and been told about."
Fontanel had friends and a great job as a journalist; she travelled to London and Milan Fashion Week; she was no Shirley Valentine, no Madame Bovary, even if she felt that the men around her were no Cary Grants. There were brief affairs with men she'd met in Parisian clubs or at parties; usually older, more often than not personable, who saw a tall brunette with an engaging smile – and, it seems, didn't investigate further.
There were longer liaisons with men who expected Fontanel to conform to their desires. "One would wake me up at 4.30am to make love, night after night, and didn't care that I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards," she says. "I was always exhausted. You don't say no because it takes almost as much time as doing it. Yet if I had to get up at night to get a glass of water and disturbed him, there were no end of recriminations."
You would say they used her, but it's not in Fontanel's style to pose as a victim. One day she went on a skiing holiday by herself and experienced a complete liberation. "Sleeping alone in a big bed! Skiing on my own, at my own speed! You can't imagine how happy I was. Bliss." After her epiphany, she decided to take a sabbatical from mandatory sex. It lasted 12 years. She writes that she had had enough of being "taken and shaken", but she has also said that "from someone you are madly in love with, the same roughness can be intensely exciting".
It is, first and foremost, a question of choice. You can have the most outlandish sexual experiences, she says, write them up like Catherine Millet – author of 2001 bestseller The Sexual Life of Catherine M, which tells of Millet's endless search for sex with unknowns – and no one will want to appear so gauche as to even suggest moral criticism. Admitting to abstinence? Drop the word at a dinner party and see the scandalised faces. No wonder that early on Fontanel invented imaginary lovers rather than face her friends' reactions.
"I've been called frigid, abnormal, bitter, neurotic, a lesbian – stupid, really, because as a lesbian I would enjoy sex with women!" Acquaintances who ought to know better accused her of regressing to the most reactionary brand of Catholicism. L'Envie woke the inner Neanderthal in the seemingly perfectly sophisticated men in her sophisticated Parisian circles. One friend raged at her: "How could you do this? What if my wife reads your book?"
Other men thanked her, like so many women. "They feel the pressure as well," Fontanel says. "They let themselves be defined by performance. And yet, some of the most interesting characters exist above sex. It's not an infirmity. They simply have better things to do with their lives."
The Sunday Telegraph
The Art of Sleeping Alone (Simon & Schuster) will be released in Australia in July.
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