Naomi sat in the back row of Melbourne's Grattan Institute, about
to watch her fiance give a lecture. She was joined by three unfamiliar
women - all attractive, well groomed, in their mid-30s. From their
whispered chat, she quickly realised they weren't there to hear about
politics and economics but to meet her eligible man. Naomi explains:
''He's 36 years old and is definitely someone who falls into the
alpha-male category: excellent job in finance, PhD, high income, six
feet two, sporty and very handsome. And he's an utter sweetheart.''
Naomi
is an attractive 28-year-old PhD student. She has been in a
relationship with her fiance for six years. Her new companions were very
friendly and chatted to her during the break. But then her partner, who
had been socialising at the front of the room, made eye contact with
Naomi and smiled.
The 30s are worrying years for high-achieving
women who long for marriage and children - of course, not all do - as
they face their rapidly closing reproductive window surrounded by men
who see no rush to settle down
''The women saw this and it was like the room had
suddenly frozen over. There was silence and then one of them asked me if
I knew him. I wasn't going to lie, so I told them he was my partner and
how long we'd been together. It was amazing how they responded. They
stopped smiling at me, shifted awkwardly in their seats and looked me up
and down as if they were trying to figure out how a girl who still
wears jeans and ballet flats could land a guy like that.'' The women
left before her man gave his speech.
Naomi is stunned by the
number of women in their 30s who throw themselves at her partner: the
colleagues who sign emails with kisses; the female journalist who
pointedly asked, post-interview, if he was married. Yet given the plight
of thirtysomething women seeking partners, it's hardly surprising that
her boyfriend is in their sights.
We hear endless complaints from women about the lack of good men.
Women
astonished that men don't seem to be around when they decide it is time
to settle down. Women telling men to ''man up'' and stop shying away
from commitment.
But there is another conversation going on - a
fascinating exchange about what is happening from the male point of
view. Much of it thrives on the internet, in the so-called
''manosphere''. Here you will find men cheerfully, even triumphantly,
blogging about their experience. They have cause for celebration, you
see. They've discovered a profound change has taken place in the mating
game and, to their surprise, they are the winners.
Dalrock
(dalrock.wordpress.com) is typical: ''Today's unmarried twentysomething
women have given men an ultimatum: I'll marry when I'm ready, take it or
leave it. This is, of course, their right. But ultimatums are a risky
thing, because there is always a possibility the other side will decide
to leave it. In the next decade we will witness the end result of this
game of marriage chicken.''
The endgame Dalrock warns about is
already in play for hordes of unmarried professional women - the
well-coiffed lawyers, bankers and other success stories. Many thought
they could put off marriage and families until their 30s, having devoted
their 20s to education, establishing careers and playing the field. But
was their decade of dating a strategic mistake?
Jamie, a
30-year-old Sydney barrister, thinks so: ''Women labour under the
impression they can have it all. They can have the career, this carefree
lifestyle and then, at the snap of their fingers, because they are so
fabulous, find a man. But if they wait until their 30s they're competing
with women who are much younger and in various ways more attractive.''
The
crisis for single women in this age group seeking a mate is very real.
Almost one in three women aged 30 to 34 and a quarter of late-30s women
do not have a partner, according to the 2006 census statistics. And this
is a growing problem. The number of partnerless women in their 30s has
almost doubled since 1986.
The challenge is greatest for
high-achieving women in their 30s looking for equally successful men.
Analysis of 2006 census figures by the Monash University sociologist,
Genevieve Heard, reveals that almost one in four of degree-educated
women in their 30s will miss out on a man of similar age and educational
achievement. There were only 68,000 unattached graduate men in their
30s for 88,000 single graduate women in the same age group.
And
the higher-education gap keeps widening. In the past year, the
proportion of degree-educated women aged 25 to 34 rose from 37.7 per
cent to 40.3 per cent, according to the Bureau of Statistics, while for
males the figure remained below 30 per cent, having risen only 0.5 per
cent in the past year.
Although there are similar numbers of
single men and women in their 30s overall - about 370,000 of each across
Australia - half these available men had only high school education, 57
per cent earned $42,000 or less and 95,000 of them were unemployed.
The
high expectations of professional women are a big part of the story.
Many high-achieving women simply are not interested in Mr Average, says
Justin Parfitt, the owner of Australia's fastest growing speed-dating
organisation, Fast Impressions. Parfitt adds: ''They've swallowed the
L'Oreal line: 'Because you're worth it!' There's a real sense of
entitlement.''
He finds many of his female members are determined
to meet only men who are tall, attractive, wealthy and well educated.
They want the alpha males. ''Most of the professional women rarely give
out 'yes' votes to men who aren't similarly successful,'' reports
Parfitt, who struggles to attract enough of these successful men to his
speed-dating events. Sixty per cent of his members are female. Most are
over 30.
During their 20s, women compete for the most highly
desirable men, the Mr Bigs. Many will readily share a bed with the
sporty, attractive, confident men, while ordinary men miss out. As
Whiskey puts it at whiskeysplace.wordpress.com: ''Joe Average Beta Male
is about as desirable to women as a cold bowl of oatmeal.''
Data
from American colleges show 20 per cent of males - the most attractive
ones - get 80 per cent of the sex, according to an analysis by Susan
Walsh, a former management consultant who wrote about the issue on her
dating website, hookingupsmart.com.
That leaves a lot of beta men
spending their 20s out in the cold. Greg, a 38-year-old writer from
Melbourne, started adult life shy and lonely. ''In my 20s, the women had
the total upper hand. They could make or break you with one look in a
club or bar. They had the choice of men, sex was on tap and guys like me
went home alone, red-faced, defeated and embarrassed. The girls only
wanted to go for the cool guys, good looks, outgoing personalities,
money, sporty types, the kind of guys who owned the room, while us quiet
ones got ignored.''
He barely had a date through much of his 20s
and gave up on women. But then he spent time overseas, gained more
confidence, learnt how to dress well and hit his early 30s. ''I suddenly
started to get asked out by women, aged 19 through to 40. The
floodgates burst open for me. I actually dated five women at once,
amazing my flatmates by often bedding three to four of my casual dates
each week. It is a great time as a male in your 30s, when you start
getting more female attention and sex than you could ever have dreamt of
in your 20s.''
That's when some men start behaving very badly -
as the manosphere clearly shows. These internet sites are not for the
faint-hearted. The voices are often crude and misogynist. But they tell
it as they see it. There is Greenlander, an apparently successful
engineer in his late 30s. In his early adult life, he was unable to
''get the time of day from women''. Now he's interested only in women
under 27.
''The women I know in their early 30s are just
delusional,'' he says. ''I sometimes seduce them and sleep with them
just because I know how to play them so well. It's just too easy.
They're tired of the cock carousel and they see a guy like me as the
perfect beta to settle down with before their eggs dry out … when I get
tired of them I just delete their numbers from my cell phone and stop
taking their calls … It doesn't really hurt them that much: at this
point they're used to pump & dump!''
It's easy to dismiss such bile but Greenlander's analysis is echoed by many Australian singles, both male and female.
''It's
wall-to-wall arseholes out there,'' reports Penny, a 31-year-old
lawyer. She is stunned by how hard it is to meet suitable men willing to
commit. ''I'm horrified by the number of gorgeous, independent and
successful women my age who can't meet a decent man.''
Penny
acknowledges part of the problem is her own expectations - that her
generation of women was brought up wanting too much. ''We were told we
were special, we could do anything and the world was our oyster.'' And
having spent her 20s dating alpha males, she expected them to be still
around when she finally decided to get serious.
But these men go
fast, many fishing outside their pond. The most attractive, successful
men can take their pick from women their own age or from the Naomis, the
younger women who are happy to settle early. Almost one in three
degree-educated 35-year-old men marries or lives with women aged 30 or
under, according to income, housing and marriage surveys by the Bureau
of Statistics.
''I can't believe how many men my age are only
interested in younger women,'' wails Gail, a 34-year-old advertising
executive as she describes her first search through men's profiles on
the RSVP internet dating site. She is shocked to find many mid-30s men
have set up their profiles to refuse mail from women their own age.
Talking
to many women like her, it's intriguing how many look back on past
relationships where they let good men get away because they weren't
ready. American journalist Kate Bolick wrote recently in
The Atlantic
about breaking off her three-year relationship with a man she described
as ''intelligent, good-looking, loyal and kind''. She acknowledged
''there was no good reason to end things'', yet, at the time, she was
convinced something was missing in the relationship. That was 11 years
ago. She's is now 39 and facing grim choices.
''We arrived at the
top of the staircase,'' Bolick wrote, ''finally ready to start our
lives, only to discover a cavernous room at the tail end of a party,
most of the men gone already, some having never shown up - and those who
remain are leering by the cheese table, or are, you know, the ones you
don't want to go out with.''
So, many women are missing out on
their fairytale ending - their assumption that when the time was right
the dream man would be waiting. The 30s are worrying years for
high-achieving women who long for marriage and children - of course, not
all do - as they face their rapidly closing reproductive window
surrounded by men who see no rush to settle down.
And, of course,
many women eventually do find a mate, often ending up with divorced men.
There are complications with that second-marriage market, in which men
come complete with former wives and children. That was never part of the
plan.
Many really struggle with the fact that they aren't in a
position to be too choosy. American author Lori Gottlieb gives a
painfully honest account of that process in her book
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough.
''Maybe
we need to get over ourselves,'' she writes. The 40-year-old single
mother enlisted a team of advisers who helped her realise that while she
was conducting her long search for the perfect man - Prince Charming or
nobody - her market value had dropped through the floor.
''Our
generation of women is constantly told to have high self-esteem, but it
seems that the women themselves are at risk of ego-tripping themselves
out of romantic connection,'' she writes. She acknowledges she made a
mistake not looking for a spouse in her 20s, when she was at her most
desirable. She advises thirtysomething women to look for Mr Good Enough
before they have even less choice. ''They are with an '8' but they want a
'10'. But then suddenly they're 40 and can only get a '5'!''
Women
delaying their search for a serious relationship have set up a very
different dating and marriage market. The Sydney barrister, Jamie, finds
himself spoilt for choice. Like many of his friends he's finding women
actively pursuing him, asking him out, cooking him elaborate meals,
buying him presents. ''Oh, you're a barrister,'' they say.
While
many of his mates are playing the field, determined to enjoy this
unexpected attention, Jamie is ready to settle down. He's very wary of
Sex and the City types, women who are convinced they are so special, but he's confident he will soon find someone with her feet on the ground.
''I'm lucky,'' he says, ''to be in a buyer's market.''
more than she prefers to hang around, and take seriously, selfish
creeps. Why, I have no idea, but she’s welcome to them. Writing about
them as if they represent the entire human race is taking her adulation
too far, however. She’s missed her true path as a gossip columnist.
you for taking the time over a detailed deconstruction. For some reason
this woman wants us back in some mythological earlier time, when women
were grateful and men were Tarzan.
‘taking us back to the 1950s’. That is a complete strawman argument.
Rather, she points out (and which many people seem to struggle to
understand) a few key concepts:
* women are most attractive as partners to men in their youth (say 18 to 30);
* women are increasingly pursuing education and career opportunities
thanks to positive progressions in society (and rightfully so);
* as a result their focus in the 20s is less so on serious long term
relationships and more on progressing professionally/education wise
(their choice and so be it);
* as a natural consequence of female attraction cues (i.e. to seek
someone higher status/socioeconomics/dominance/leader status etc.),
i.e., HYPERGAMY, they naturally find it difficult to find a ‘good
enough’ partner – they continue to look up, rather than look around at
those who would make a perfectly good partner otherwise.
* over time, their physical attractiveness declines and so does their attractive appeal to men;
* mens attractiveness is accumulated over time and experience;
* combine all of this and the increased promiscuity of women and women
are less likely to find someone willing to marry them when they hit
their early 30s.
It’s called cause and effect or LOGIC. Realising that you can’t
‘have it all’ and that there are CONSEQUENCES to our choices, even if
they don’t seem ‘fair’. Something which some extremely angry females
seem to find difficult to cope with judging by their reaction to the
article.
I would just like to take this opportunity to tell you that your “key
concepts” are bunkum. Women are not necessarily most attractive due to
youth and “physical attractiveness” as defined by you. It’s a male
fallacy that we get more attractive while women get less so over time –
that is what I call the “Newsreader Fallacy”. And then you end with the
“increased promiscuity of women”. Wow, you really would provide a
wonderful conversation partner for a woman, believing those things. Good
luck with that LOGIC of yours.
crashing down and you offer nothing more than weak insults as a
rebuttal. Madam, your “detailed deconstruction” was nothing more than
the pained flailing of someone who knows their time is up.
“Wow, you really would provide a wonderful conversation partner for a woman, believing those things.”
ahh, the use of shaming language, without any arguments, statistics, or
actual rebuttals. the harsh bite of the truth hurts doesn’t it?
What do you think that a man’s initial attraction is based on? Do
you think it’s just some massive coincidence that women ages 18-30 get
the most initial attention from men (looks, attention etc.)? Why do you
think women dress up? Why do you think young women post hundreds of
pictures of themselves on facebook? Because they know that this is the
cue men respond to and it gives them attention. Simple biology.
Compare this woman to a woman in her late 30s…then another in her
40s…then her 50s and so on. Which women, generally speaking are going
to get the most attention? You’re completely denying biological reality
if you say its the women at the upper end of the scale. I take it
you’ve never observed the billions of men on this planet who respond to
this stimuli.
You say my ‘theory’ is bunkum but can show me your evidence that men
do not respond to physical attractiveness cues? It would be like saying
that the sun does not provide us with light – despite it shining in our
eyes everyday!
A real relationship is based on this initial attraction PLUS other
desirable personal qualities – honesty, strength, compassion,
compatibility, conversation etc. But if the initial attraction isn’t
there it’s not going to work. You don’t seem to get it through your
skull that women’s accomplishments, education and career provide
miniscule attraction for men. We may admire and appreciate it and
respect it, but it doesn’t make us want to get to know the opposite sex.
Just reality. Which you are denying.
your skull that women’s accomplishments, education and career provide
miniscule attraction for men”. Wow. I didn’t know people still actually
believed that. Apart from the absurdity of thinking women are just
moving flesh pots to make men drool, I make the point – what do people
talk about when they formulate relationships? What do you share? Just a
physical attraction? That is one shallow view you have of women, men and
the relationships they share. Clearly Arndt believes men are like you. I
know, fortunately, that the good men are, for the most part, not like
you.
You’re deliberately trying to be selective and distorting my post.
From my previous post:
“A real relationship is based on this initial attraction PLUS other
desirable personal qualities – honesty, strength, compassion,
compatibility, conversation etc. But if the initial attraction isn’t
there it’s not going to work.”
So where am I ONLY focusing on the physical? As my comment says,
attraction PLUS other desirable personal qualities=relationship
material. But BOTH are essential. That initial attraction IS NOT based
on your qualifications or career. Men look at the physical. You’ve
obviously been living on another planet if you’ve NEVER noticed this
about men? How hard is that to swallow?
Suppose choking back the anger of reality makes it difficult to think logically and rationally….
don’t seem to get it through your skull that women’s accomplishments,
education and career provide miniscule attraction for men. We may admire
and appreciate it and respect it, but it doesn’t make us want to get to
know the opposite sex.”
So the question is – CAN YOU READ?
your reality very succinctly here. You make the claim that women in
their 40s are not as physically attractive as those in their 20s – and
therefore that makes them less attractive. That is the perception of you
and other myopic men. Not for men in general. I personally think it’s
total rubbish. Fortunately, good men know this. Facile men don’t.
trying to demonstrate “solipsism” to students I’d go no further than
Blogster’s attempt at a “logical” rebuttal. Unfortunately, he’ll never
be convinced for that very reason.
Being a man in a big Canadian city, I can assure you that what this
piece is saying is very much real. The article is clearly laying out the
flip side of the new way of dating for women, the unintended
consequences. It’s basic economics applied to the dating scene.
When the environment changes, we men simply learn to adapt. And that is what the article is describing.
aren’t seeing isthat attraction is strongly linked to fertility. As
fertility declines, so do the cues to attraction.