Sara Eckel: " To be unhappy was to betray womankind, and myself."
Sara Eckel: " To be unhappy was to betray womankind, and myself." Photo: Timur Emek
The setting was sufficiently glamorous: a
friend’s book party in a penthouse apartment. I wore a chiffon dress
with a Jackson-Pollock paint-splatter design, sipped expensive wine, and
chatted with another single woman, a pretty actress with an equally
good dress. We’d only just met, but we quickly dived into our
single-woman schtick, while my friend and her husband listened with
interest.
I had recently been dating an investment banker, who left me
for a pediatric oncologist. Since I wasn’t particularly heartbroken over
the guy, I took full advantage of the chance to crack jokes about the
“floozy” I’d been cast aside for.

“She cures cancer in children. So I guess she was… better,” I said, looking up with a sideways smile.

“That’s hilarious!” said the actress.

“No, Sara, not better,” my friend said, sounding worried.

I assured her was it was fine. I had never been in love with
the banker; the relationship was doomed anyway. “He was very cute,” I
said thoughtfully. “And Jesus, he had a great apartment. That was the
hardest part - breaking up with the apartment!”

I was playing a role, something I did a lot during my single
years. Whether I was at a wedding, or a business lunch, or a college
reunion, I presented myself as the quintessential carefree singleton,
who dashed from one quirky journalism assignment to the next, whose life
was a joyride of wine-tasting classes and gallery openings. I learned
to speak with an artful nonchalance about the men I dated, to drop their
names - Tom the management consultant, Jay the bass guitarist - and
give my married friends a patronising smile when their eyes widened with
excitement. Oh, it wasn’t serious. I was just “having fun.”

I wanted to be this woman, because what was the alternative?
Every book or article I read that spoke positively about singles
described women who were blissed out by their solo lives - traveling to
Nepal on their own, starting up their own social media companies, being
the cool aunt to throngs of nieces and nephews. Admitting that I was
often quite lonely and sometimes spent entire weekends speaking to no
one but supermarket cashiers and bookstore clerks was verboten. The bad,
old stereotypes of pathetic single women had been blasted - to be
unhappy was to betray womankind, and myself.ba

So I tried very hard to live up to the “single and lovin’ it”
ideal, and I did okay. Interesting career—check. Cute apartment in
great neighborhood—check. Smart, funny friends—check. I had an agent, a
fledging novel, and a writing assignment that took me to Southeast Asia.
I threw a birthday party for myself at my nice apartment in the great
neighborhood and was delighted to find it filled with authors, editors,
filmmakers and other masters of the media universe.

And then everything changed. My younger brother, Mark, was
diagnosed with lymphoma. As the only family member living in his city,
New York, I found myself in an entirely new role: next of kin, caretaker
to a cancer patient.

I spent the next year sitting in doctors’ offices and
fetching prescriptions for my brother. Nothing heroic—he’d have done the
same for me. With the exception of a couple weeks, Mark lived in his
own apartment, and made clear he did not want me washing his dishes or
mopping his floor (sometimes I honored this, sometimes not). He was
going to one of the best hospitals in the country, and his prognosis was
good (and the treatment ultimately successful). Most of my caregiving
“work” involved reading magazines in hospital waiting rooms, picking up
sandwich orders and popping down to the newsstand for Cokes and Kit
Kats.

But this also brought a strange kind of liberation. I no
longer felt compelled to convince anyone that I was having a fantastic
time, since by no fault of my own things clearly sucked. For the first
time in my adult life, I could just be a grown woman with real problems.
It was kind of a relief.

My new role didn’t change my feelings about being single. I
still wanted a boyfriend. I still got upset when a guy I liked blew me
off. I still tried on several different outfits before leaving the
apartment to embark on that perennial single-person’s job: getting “out
there.”

But something had shifted in me.

This is the part in the single-person redemption narrative
where author usually declares that she grew up. But that’s not what
happened. Instead, I realised that I already was a fully realized adult,
and had been for some time. This raw situation - two windblown single
people navigating cancer-land—would have been much easier if we’d had
partners. If we’d had another set of ears to help decipher what the
doctor was saying, and loving spouses to come home to after a hard day
at the hospital.

When I was pretending to be the easy-breezy single gal, I was
buying in to the general cultural perception that single people occupy
some developmental netherworld between goofy teenagers and sober
marrieds. But as I cooked my brother dinner or grilled the urgent care
nurse about his red-blood cell count, I noticed a peculiar sensation:
self-respect. This was difficult, and while it would have been easier if
we’d had partners, we were still managing.

Even the small stuff, I realized, wasn’t so small. One night,
while sitting on Mark’s couch watching The Simpsons with him, I had a
funny epiphany: I was all I ever needed to be. I didn’t have to be
pretty or interesting or delighted with my life. I just needed to get
the KitKats, to bring movies, to be a good sister.

Mark got better. “Cured,” the doctor said. We both went back
to our regular lives and ordinary worries. But I cut the glamour-girl
act. I wasn’t glamorous and I wasn’t always happy. I was an ordinary
woman, muddling through, and that was more than enough.

This story was first published on The Date Report. Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.