Tracey Cox, who writes a sex advice column at the Daily Mail has some advice for couples who aren’t having the amount of sex they would like: what you need to do is think about all the things your partner considers romantic or seductive and then set the stage so that you can deliver those things, whatever they are. If flowers and candlelight are the things that make your partner’s heart beat faster, then pick some up on your way home and turn the lights off when you get there.
If your partner finds it hot that you sit beside him on the couch watching footie, wearing nothing but his favorite team jersey, well, put the kids to bed and find a game to watch.
The key thing is to put your partner’s pleasure above your own, and use his or her preferences to encourage a little more time spent pursuing one of life’s great pleasures.
No, silly, that’s not how you have more sex with your partner. What you NEED to do is think about what YOU want, and then write a detailed contract specifying all the particulars and then you both need to SIGN THAT CONTRACT (blood is optional, apparently) because nothing says “I love you darling and want to have sex with you” quite like the concept of CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION.
Usually, contracts come with some penalty for defaulting. That opens up a lot of possibilities, doesn’t it?
You know, I can’t quite figure out where the caricature of the modern career lady as a dour shrew sucking the joy out of everything comes from?
And it seems that you can use this technique of contractual obligations for more than one aspect of life and love, too. Look! Jezebel has instructions for How to Make a Dude Sweep the Kitchen Floor (Correctly), Without You Even Having to Tell Him.
Wow. Life with these ladies sounds like so much fun.
Here is just SOME of Jezebel’s list of considerations:
Do I do half of the laundry and half of the dishes every day?
Do I buy half of the clothes and toys?
Do I take on half of the management of my care providers?
Do I write half of the lists and notes?
Do I wake up in the middle of the night to calm the baby half of the time?
Do I change half of the diapers?
Do I plan half of the travel?
Do I track half of the household budget?
Do I put the kids to bed half of the time?
Do I make half of the grocery, sports, and afterschool lesson runs?
Do I write half of the e-mails to my kids’ teachers?
Do I watch the kids for half of the weekend and for half of every weeknight?
Seems like they forgot something, no?
DO I EARN HALF THE MONEY THAT COMES INTO THE HOUSE?
DO I WORK HALF THE HOURS IT TAKES TO EARN THAT MONEY?
Women work fewer hours
At idiotic jobs (Hello, File Clerk! – Good job knowing your alphabet! Yay!)
That require little to no physical effort
Make less money
And still demand the right to define what gets done in a house and by whom.
Here’s an easy way to add more sex to your marriage: stop being such an irrational witch and do the damn housework yourself!
You know what really confuses me? Why do men marry these women? How is it even possible that they HAVE husbands? What do men get out of relationships with these women? Contractual sex, a shit ton of housework, and the thankless task of bringing home more money and working more hours at more physically demanding jobs.
I think I’d rather be single.
Short post today – my kids are off school for the week and they are trashing the joint. I won’t be setting up any Excel spreadsheets to make sure I have correctly bitched out Mr. JB for not doing exactly half of all this additional work.
Oh, and I’ll probably get laid tonight, too.
Lots of love,